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About Us
I have always wanted to start a site. I wanted to talk about my life but I contemplated. Then I met Jay. Then I wanted to start a site for us. But I procrastinated. More than two years later, this is what I have now, a humble beginning. Just like any couples, we have been through many good and hard times together and this is one reason what this site is for: to put down our story in writing. So that this blog will witness our existence and hopefully we can flip through the archives one day and laugh at the silly things we did and be touched by Jay's heroic deed. Hi, I am Kay, we are boyfriends and this is the our story.
I'm Kay  Male. Smart and sentimental. 26yo. Enjoys movies (and porn) and reality shows. Sleeper. Uptight. Likes Robbie Williams. Has been to Singapore. Ogles at men. Just wants to be happy. Prefers to wear boxers. Selfless.
I'm Jay  Male. Sexy and studly. 29yo. Loves sushi and everything meat. Swimmer. Forgetful. Likes House music. Travels world over. Ogles at Kay. Want to be rich but not necessary famous. Likes not to wear underwear. Selfish.
jayandkay [at] gmail [dot] com
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Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Goodbye My Lover I'm willing and ready to let go of our relationship. We bumped in the gym just now and Jay was rushing to leave as he has to meet up with Jason for dinner. I told him to go ahead although I wanted him to stay instead. He left. On my way home I gave a deep thought and told myself that this is going to break both of us if I continue to cling on him. I was in denial when Jay first informed me of the breakup. I said I would wait for him although I knew he wouldn't return. I told myself that I've already suffered for most of my life so what's a little bit more while waiting for him. But it's not that simple. I've put Jay in a difficult position. He has sleepless nights like me too, pondering on being stuck in the middle with two men who love him. My sleepless nights were more painful- the constant worry of losing and missing a lover to someone else. As much as I want us to hang out together, it is almost impossible for now because Jay is in a new relationship and Jason is already concern about him seeing me too often. First he no more wears our ring, then when I complimented on his new pair of shorts, he told me it's Jason's. Slowly, I think part of me is already wearing off from Jay. I know it's not only about me but also about Jay. I want him to be happy and don't want his life to feel being 'dragged' by me. He has his expectations and I respect that. There're qualitites in Jason which I don't have and I'm sure I have some that Jason doesn't. So I can't be Jason and Jason can't be me either. Both of us are different and good in our own ways. Jay can only decide for himself. The truth hurts too. As much as I want Jay to save our relationship, Jay told me that even if he and Jason don't work out, it's also hard for him and I to come back together. Jay will still always care for me and I will do the same for him too. We'll watch each other's back. But we need to move on with our lives at the same time. Funny, before the breakup, just before I departed for my Phuket trip I left a recorded voice message for Jay and his safekeep because I remember he's always calling me daily and when I asked him if there's anything important, he'd always say: Nothing. Just miss your voice so much. The recorded message was long and most importantly I told him to take care and that I miss him and then I ended with a sad Bye Bye. How ironic it is that now the recorded message's true meaning is realized. Funny also, when James Blunt's album Back to Bedlam was released not too long ago, the song You're Beautiful is one of the best track but my personal favourite is Goodbye My Lover which I sing to it everytime I play in on the computer. Never I had thought that the lyrics would come to become true for me. God sure knows how to be playful sometimes. On the way to Jason's house after dinner, Jay called me and we had another long talk. An honest and frank talk. I told him that it's easy for him to be sorry and say 'Let's move on' but he has Jason now. Who do I have now? To share my feelings and achievements and to small petty matters like what I ate for breakfast this morning? How would I spend my time now? I don't have anyone to love now. It was awfully hard for him to answer my questions and I didn't want to argue nor fight. I just wanted to sort things out and we agreed that we'll now walk our own ways but keeping in mind that we have each other. We'll not meet for the moment. It's difficult for Jay, like I said before, for him to care for me and be with Jason at the same time. So if he wants the relationship with Jason more, that'll be it. I don't hold any grudge against him. I think I have come to know that if one party doesn't want to continue the relationship anymore, no point the other party holds on to it. A reader commented once before, if it belongs to you, it will return to you. So Jay, here's wishing you well. Please cherish the times we had together and let me know if you any help. I'll always be there for you as a good friend. I didn't shed any tears when we talk. Don't know why. Maybe I ran out of tears. Numb perhaps? We just talked openly and I told him all about my feelings. I hated him for being cruel and heartless but it's okay. He has his reasons. Partly it could be due to me too. It's over now. Sad and unfortunate but it's true. Friends we shall be now. Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun, Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine by eternal right. Took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won't stop there, I am here for you if you'd only care. You touched my heart you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, My heart was blinded by you. I've kissed your lips and held your hand. Shared your dreams and shared your bed. I know you well, I know your smell. I've been addicted to you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I am a dreamer and when i wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me, Remember us and all we used to be I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. I've watched you sleeping for a while. I'd be the father of your child. I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears and you know mine. We've had our doubts but now we're fine, And I love you, I swear that's true. I cannot live without you. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. And I still hold your hand in mine. In mine when I'm asleep. And I will bare my soul in time, When I'm kneeling at your feet. Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. You have been the one. You have been the one for me. I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow. I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow. I'll move on. And I'll soldier on. (Be strong Kay)
Comments:
You're strong and you'll be stronger...you can't be Jason that's exactly true and please stay whoever you are. You're Kay and we love you as you are. Never forget you have friends from the other side of the world...
Kisses Ali & Mehmet # posted by
 : 8:12 AM, April 18, 2006
Good that you are finally letting things fall into place. Not that I do not wish to see you and J together, but glad that you are beginning to see and accept the bigger picture.
Once the person leaves us, let go. Especially when one leaves for such a LAME reason. Even if the person does return, it is never the same. And even if there's a reconcilation, there's always a possibility that the person will leave again, given the past track record! So, you have made the right decision to let go. Well, I am both sad and happy for you. Can't really describe the feeling, but in words - that's how it is. Sad that you are feeling unhappy....wish there's something we could do to make you smile again. Happy that you are finally trying not to let yourself hurt so much by letting go. It's hard when you don't have someone to share what you had for breakfast, or that you have just met one of the ugliest looking client that hopped into your office or how you pinched from the box of prunes that belonged to one of your workmate! Just share it with us here. We'd like to know. :) Or ping me on IM. I'd be willing to listen out. Not out of pity, silly K (I think you are strong and no one needs to show pity, for that won't help)....but rather out of curiosity, out of just being pat-gua!! Ok. Gotta go now and (actually)start work! Already 11:00am now, and it's starting to rain in KL. Awwwwww! # posted by
: 11:20 AM, April 18, 2006
this post really delves into how strong, tough and mature you really are.
when bad things happen, we often fall into the stages of denial, anger, fear, guilt, depression before we can finally reach "acceptance". it's relieving to see you moving on. it could probably be better for the both of you. there are greater things out there just waiting for you. we know it. and that song makes me cry. *gimme a tissue* # posted by
: 3:33 PM, April 18, 2006
you might want to start a new blog to mark your new journey of life... you can keep the current one of course... but i think start a new one will bring a refreshing start, assuming blogging is part of your life already...
just a suggestion... # posted by
: 7:24 PM, April 18, 2006
dear Kay
i will not die in peace if i do not leave this comment to encourage you to move on. most of us have gone thru this path. it may seems fucking painful but time will be the BEST HEALER someone told me once "When we look back one day, we will THANK the 3rd party because he takes away our bf when our bf does not feel the same for us anymore" as ironic it may sound, i would like to pass on this message of encouragement. Only WE can determine the happiness of our life. WE OWE IT TO OURSELF peace e
Ali & Mehmet - Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me too. Of course I'll always remember that I have you two with me. If you were willing to fly over to just make sure I'm fine, you're not just any friend, you guys are special.
defiant85 - :) yw[2k] - Thank you too for your constant motivation. I'll be good. lifebook - Date? Any takers? ceusm - Without you guys, I wouldn't have the courage at all. someonewhocares - Now that you offered me to ping you on IM....don't regret. :) khwaix - I'm not saying that I'm very happy now but at least I can smile and lift my head up again. chowhofun - Thanks for the idea but I think The Story of Jay and Kay will continue to stay. I'm sentimental. guyntdoor - I'm no longer mad at him. I'm at peace with myself too. Now I just want to be focused and improve myself. kelphin - This post is suppose to be make you feel touched and happy not sad. ru - What I know for sure is I understand my feelings and know what I want now. jakeandtroy - I will. ;)
This sounds like a healthy attitude that you have. I am happy to see you moving forward instead of standing still or even walking backwards. Good for you, sweetie!!
Gosh...you make it sound like you are so scary. You have fangs instead of teeth ah? You make it sound like letting you ping me would be the biggest regret I would ever have!! Alas, I tried to look up the word "regret" in my dictionary, but could not find it. :P
SWC # posted by
: 2:38 PM, April 20, 2006
bro... any direction, as long as u r determine to stick wif it, is often a positive one. just make the move. dont look back. in whatever direction, just keep moving forward, make it positive. -osmansany-
# posted by
: 12:39 AM, April 22, 2006
bumped into your site, so beautiful, but the first entry i read is this... all i can say is hope u could move on (and u MUST)..
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it reminds me of my experience, esp the moment i noticed the ring is no more there... like i always say to my frens, if it's something of value, take time to cry over the spilled milk, and THEN move on... take care. |
